On July 17th at approximately 1400 Pacific Standard Time, there was an attack on the Jake C fleet. Surfs Up, a classic lifeguard boat worth an estimated two million dollars and the crown jewel of Newport Harbor, was the target of an unprovoked strike. The day I had been dreading for two months had finally come — I had been attacked by an animal, probably the worst animal to exist: the sea lion. We decided to name him Pinhead Larry. It is my turn to defend myself and my boat, and not just for me but for all boaters out there dealing with the same problem. We need to build defenses.
The Law
For those unfamiliar, sea lions are not protected under the Endangered Species Act — they are protected under the Marine Mammal Protection Act, which means that like whales, dolphins, and other marine mammals, you cannot mess with them. You cannot touch them, harass them, or do anything about it. So I was there at the scene of the crime with the only weapon the government would allow me to use against sea lions — a tape measure. Now, attention — what I just said is not entirely accurate, and I will get to that at the end. The population of sea lions has exploded and there are tons of them. It is just a war between them and the boaters, and you can see it by looking at all the boats in the harbor.
Why Sea Lions Are a Problem
It really boils down to the fact that sea lions get cold. They are active in the water at all times of the day and often need to heat up their blood with help from the sun. That is why you often see them waving their fins high — they have blood vessels in their fins that help them thermoregulate. When they are not floating in the water waving high, they are looking to suntan, and they love to suntan like a Brazilian beach. They need the sun and will go anywhere to get it — beaches, buoys, docks, and most unfortunately, boats.
This leads to two main reasons boaters are at war with sea lions. The first is that their skin secretes an oil that helps waterproof their coats. This oil wrecks boats — you can watch me try to clean it off, and it is incredibly difficult to remove. Oh, and they also poop everywhere. The second is less of an annoyance and more serious. An adult sea lion weighs an average of 600 pounds, and when one sea lion jumps on a boat they all want to jump on the boat. This excess weight is enough to destabilize a vessel, and if it does not completely capsize the boat it can still cause flooding and depending on the power system backfill the exhaust and total your engines.
Operation Goodbye Water Dog
With some measurements completed, Operation Goodbye Water Dog was underway. After a long night of research that violates YouTube’s community guidelines and some development that would make Lockheed Martin jealous, it was time to gather the supplies. The defense contractor store — look at that front row parking, it is like they know we are on a mission from God to fight the sea lions. With all the supplies collected, it was time to get building. The first round of barriers was not going to do it — the pool noodles were too thin, so I ordered thicker ones from Amazon. Once the magic man from Amazon showed up, we could continue. With everything completed there was just one last thing to do — the pièce de résistance. War paint on the face, which my girlfriend was clearly impressed by.
After days of preparing, it was finally time to go defend the boat, and you would not believe who was there to welcome us. That is right — mocking me, Pinhead Larry was on the boat waiting and he did not want to get off.
What the Law Actually Says
When I started this video I had a basic understanding of how you were supposed to deal with sea lions — very carefully. I thought your only weapon was a tape measure and all you could do was build deterrents. I did not look specifically into state laws, but I did read the entire Marine Mammal Protection Act and found guidelines for safely deterring marine mammals, which was not easy to find. It turns out there are a lot more ways you can deter sea lions than I thought — from drones to projectiles to noises. I will read you my favorite section from the guidelines regarding pinnipeds: foam projectiles propelled by a toy gun are approved for deterring pinnipeds, provided the foam projectile only strikes the posterior end of an animal’s body, taking care to avoid the animal’s head. In other words, if you have a Nerf gun, you can shoot him in the butt. the hidden costs of boat ownership
Initially my beef with this entire debate was that sea lions were overprotected and there was no recourse for what you could do to prevent them from destroying your property. After researching it, my new beef is how hard it is to find information on this subject and that the rules should be far more transparent for both boat owners and law enforcement. People should not be afraid that they are breaking federal law in order to protect their boats. Smooth sailing. off-season projects
